Well, I already know since my childhood that I’m, let’s say, a “little” different. Sometimes having an acrimonious and black humor what makes me telling jokes, nobody understands and laughs – except me. People maybe wondering a bit about this weird behavior, but that’s never been the crucial issue, caused the really big troubles and blockades in my life. Like I already mentioned in my previous posts, I’m somehow not able to read between the lines. A social skill what is seemingly given to “normal” folks. When people offering me as example, a collaboration and we talk about that, for me this is always like “cut and dried” and I rely on it. I never question such offers or think about the consequences in that moment. Not even afterwards – until I’m getting confronted with the obvious conclusion. Due to the fact such situations been mostly all around my special interests like photography, I’m stuck in that manner – comparable with a tunnel vision. Not able to escape or think outside that box. Though I meanwhile learned that I can’t count on everything what people usually talking, but still every time this happens, I take stock into those promises. And this happened so many times in my life.
A characteristic trait I’m not able to get rid off.
Because I’m always been counting on that, I’v been super-stoked, incredibly optimistic and told those offers directly others. And when those promises not been realized – in the end I’v been the person lying or talking trash. Not those people made this empty promises. Or an other example – when someone tells me “I call you back in two hours”. I’ll be next to the phone waiting for that phone call over hours. Almost not able doing other tasks. And when I don’t get that ring-back, I’m extremely disappointed. I still don’t know why people saying such things when they don’t mean it. Ok, it can happen that you forget about calling back, but latest the next day I’ll call that person and apologizing for the late response. When I don’t want to call this person, then I say so. Even worse when this promises are existential relevant. You can name it starry-eyed or naive, but this is actually a typical epiphenomenon from the autism spectrum.
I can somehow imagine that “neuro-typical” people are able to filter, honest from false promises or just “be able” to give a shit about that what other people say. But I can’t! I already been talking to people and asking them about this problem and how they see this. And still I couldn’t find a solution or a way out of this mess. For other people this seems normal to be able reading between those lines, detecting such social behaviors and act intuitive in these situations. In the end I’m always asking my self: Is this all my fault and how can I change this problem? Why do I always misunderstand what people saying? Is saying and meaning not the same?
Also “a way of thinking” in my life is, that for me everything has to be logical. When I have to do a task, as example in an employment, what isn’t logical – I’m really struggling with myself to execute this commanded task. I’v been working a lot together with people who told me “just do it and don’t think about too much”. I simply can’t! There is something blocking me – stronger than my rationality. And this can lead to that point I’m just quitting the job, without seeing the consequences in that moment. What brings me to the next point. Not be able to see the “big picture” in life. Somehow I’m not able to see this so called “big picture” – like I’m starry focused on my special interests. Acting like there are no consequences in my doing. Well in the end, this always leads into a disaster. My whole life. And that’s just a few reasons, why my path of life runs in such amplitudes, a constant up and down. And this matter of fact is really exhausting me.
I am like driven – driven by my dedications, my special interests,
to be socially integrated – driven by a force I can’t control.
Simply said, socially disabled!
To be continued…
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