My whole career as a photographer is concomitant with existential fears, an up and down life, like an amplitude and a bone-crushing shortage in desired possibilities. And sometimes I almost got the feeling, that people acting like “we need to prevent that he’s successful as a photographer” what brings me immediately to a few essential questions. Are my pictures really that good? Are they good enough to make my living out of them? I’m like the anorexic person, standing in front of a mirror and thinks he’s fat? I think this questions are in a way absolutely legitimate, because over those many years I’m trying to make my living out of photography, I never reached this goal. Not even to cover my basic needs like paying the rent, health insurance, food or refund my debts. And I still don’t know exactly why…
When I got assignments, then I got so many times shortchanged with empty promises on future (paid) assignments or a freaking low payment. I think people seen that I’m in an urgent need and that I have no Hobson’s choice, than accepting this dumping salary. Out of twenty “assignments” there been estimated one or two where I got an adequate salary. And that makes you think. Yes I know, in the beginning of a career it’s a lot about building up your reputation, assembling a nice portfolio and a network of contacts. And a lot of people always told me over those years, that I just need to stay the course and endure. Well I did that! Almost 15 years I’v been fighting, utilise every chance I got and cutting down my personal needs. But there is a moment when you should getting properly paid for your work. At least that much, you can make a normal living out it. I never wanted a fancy car or building a house. My desire was only to cover my basic needs in life.
I’v been thinking a lot about the reasons why people don’t want to pay me right and why they won’t hire me or why I always got shortchanged. And I hazard a guess… For sure there are some reasons I’m causing by my self, through to my slightly eccentric behaviour and the fact that I exude my indigent situation. Also my noticeable lack in communication or the deficit not be able reading between the lines, are for sure reasons. But people seem to misuse such circumstances for their own enrichment. Over the years I’v experienced situations, where photographers came to assignments with a fancy car, a shitload of brand-new equipment and a nice garment, but from my point of view, not been outstanding or talented photographers – I would cautious say lower average – but they got paid for their work – paid damn good. You know what? That gnaws! Watching that matter of fact over years, undermines not only your self-confidence. It makes you think. Am I really such a good photographer? Are people who telling me I’m doing great work lying? I’m really not an envious or a spiteful person and I think everybody deserves success through hard work and/or talent. But when I see people being successful with just being a good jawsmith, without any talent, makes me some sort of sad and dejected. Coming along with a strong feeling not having the right to exist.
To be continued…
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